I wake up, go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. What do I see? Nothing, just a deadpan outline. My vacuous mind tries to gather the incident previous night. It fails and I come to realise the existing throbbing in my head. That puts things into perspective giving me the vague details of what transpired. I gladly neglect thinking about it.
I close my eyes, takes in a deep breath and exhale like the time when you find something you have lost before. I open my drowsy eyes to see the fog on my now obscure reflection. I wonder if this is what life coming to be, to see yourself getting abstract in the crowds of civilisation. To be totally unsure of what the future holds and to forever live in the shadow of uncertainty. With a towel I wipe the mirror clean, albeit the face remains as emotionless as it was before.
In about 15 minutes I am at the kitchen table pampered with utmost care by my parents. They want to go away I think, into their busy lives to meet people who are better in reciprocating affections. My ma is telling me routine instructions that I respond with impassive nodding of head and a sound OK.
I am alone now, I surf through the channels on TV. I try to avoid news as I sense it wouldn’t do much in feeling better about myself. In sulk more and put the TV on mute. Resting my head backwards I try to imagine the merry days when the mornings weren’t as dull and there was always some excitement to look forward to. Now I feel only silence resonating through the walls and aloofness, my companion for another 8 hrs.
I refuse to go out as it invites the questionable gazes and trivial conversations with people I share least interest. I hold my laptop on my lap and check my mails and any messages on social media. I see pictures of my long lost batch mates holidaying somewhere near valleys and oceans. I say cheers to them but the fondness declines as I scroll down the pics.
Peering through the window of my house I speculate upon the busy life as see outside. I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel. ‘Gotta be’ I tell myself feeling surprised at my disquieting thought process. The affirmation is what keeps me hoping that I will be there again with motives and conviction. It invigorates me in believing the cycle of life, of ups and downs, of being wanted by the people who shower affection upon me. I pledge to be good to them, to not be grumpy and indifferent to their emotions.
I turned around feeling little less heavy-heartedness. I grab the laptop and start writing as I make a mental note of 62nd day of my unemployment. Still 6hrs to go…