On 24th December 2016 i was relieved from my job on my request. It wasn’t a welcome gift to Baby Christ, as much i would like to believe behind the karma that would entail i didn’t tentatively plan it. The decision to leave depended on many issues which i don’t want to discuss. Today marks the 30 days anniversary of my general lazying around. I would like to just put into words some of the emotions i have gone into in this last 30 days.
My initial days after leaving the job breezed past because Christmas, friends were around and the realizations of it all was in the seeping stages. Soon it was 1st of Jan, all the festivities were wrapped up and question for what next soon gathered clouds. There attained a cycle of sorts in daily life just like how it was when i had job but a new one now. Before leaving the job i thought about how i would go about in my pursuit for next. That stayed the course but its that time in between that really matters. That’s when all the question really rush back scrawling at your brain. Few instances like walking down my apartment building and greeting someone in the middle of afternoon felt odd, not visiting family occasions was a must because i don’t need the sympathy or unsolicited advise. There are not many ways you can tell your aunt to back off with all those intrusive questions because I know she means well. Due to my reluctance to address my current situation i also lied about my employment or lack of thereof to my ex colleagues. It was chase to go under the radar not be seen and talked about.
OK I left one detail out. My younger brother who was working in Mumbai also left his job. I had no prior knowledge of this. This made things difficult at home. Its obviously very awkward for parents to see their sons just lazying around at home. I feel horrible about this all the time. I think it would have been much better if this was not the case. Although my parents are very understanding all throughout.
How did I kill my time? Well i guessed now that i have enough amount of time on my hand why not do all those things i used to envy not doing in my job days. Visit movie screenings, talks, seminars etc. Every morning i saw myself pouring over a newspaper event section for something interesting to check out (job posting too). I found purpose in doing all these things, gave me motivation to look forward. I took out my bike for short 2-3 hrs trip around the place late in the evening. Saw sunsets in ferries and tried to discover more interior roads to burn the rubber. I also began writing, since start of the year now i have maintained a movie diary. There are some unfinished business I need to focus on.
Its bloody difficult staying at home after leaving your work. I wouldn’t recommend it. Not if you have anxiety issues because the possibilities everything going wrong keeps egging your mind. Like constantly hovering pervasive dementors. But I guess I have a good support system around me, friends, family and interest to plan around. Another thing that keeps you in positive state of mind is thinking that everything can go upward from here, there is opportunity around the corner. Heres to keep ploughing.
The fear was always there. The fear of losing out and left behind in the race. I am not gone lie the thought of seeing myself drag on while other sail off on the golden horizon. How do I know what’s right for me? What’s the metric, the factors? The 101 climbing social and professional heights are very well documented and one expects you to fall in line and wait. People you know are waiting along the climb, hanging in there with their wisdom and much know how. It’s like being in a loop, a full harrowing clock and as you strike 9 you know someone will show up to remind you of your privilege, duties. Good people at 9 know what’s good for you. Here’s your pot of everything you should stay away from, you have no right to fear them if you don’t venture out, listen follow the clock. It’s for the long haul.
FYI : Left my job and i am in waiting(unemployed and not miserable but waiting to be there) now. Next few posts will follow my mental degradation
I think some of us have really grown up this election season. The discourse following the loksabha election in India has really flared up quite an interest in politics. Throughout last year I have seen people realising the lingering status quo and the will to go political about it. This with a mix of staunch idolism and neo politics practise has bought much needed fervour in our political discourse.
I was lucky to have been in a group of friends brandishing distinct political ideas. If that thought made you think of me as some global thinker replete with appeasing data, than sadly that’s not me. We as Indians are known and pride our self as custodians of free opinion. Every guy in the street will brag about the topic irrespective of the veracity of his views. Maybe that’s the exact reason why debates would suddenly crop up in between a random conversation over plate of sevpuri. The polarisation on an (pseudo) intellectual capacity has led to people talking.
To me this election has been as illuminating as it is to a spiritual person. In days of yore, I would readily hurl abuses and point fingers based on things I heard. For amateur trying to clear grade one of understanding Indian politics one needs to know that the blindfold needs to go. But it’s not that easy, removing blindfold would mean looking things from a single point perspective and therefore every now then a reality check is essential. Contrarily I refused myself of any unnecessary theories. Of course you will hear words like ‘commie bastard, sanghi, rightist, kangressi’ being spewed at you across the table. I have been told our mass leaders have done worse. Such prolonged innocuous discussion even forced us to create a political appendage to our seemingly friendly whatsapp group. Long ‘fingering’ of each others political views would continue all day. One-upmanship would lead me to reading more and accumulating data to corner a friend with a tint of vengeance. In this perennially long 8-10 month election drama with kilometre long message discussion forums, we would tell each other to take their socio political opinion, tie them on stick, light it on fire and shove it. It’s good that we had an opinion and it was not as altercating as loyalties to IPL teams. To an erudite outsider this would seem lacking rationale and tad bit of shrewdness but who cared as long as you can further your political motivation.
It was also the time when words such as ‘pseudo secular, pseudo intellectual’ started losing its sheen. It invited sarcasm and sometime smug duck face when referred to. People forgot what a parliament debate looked like and began switching to holier than thou anchors sermonising about righteousness. Strange statuses began tempting me but resisted by the god given ability not to bark the wrong tree. It was really difficult to keep up as one guy will say “situation on the ground is not good” and next day another guy will flash images implying the opposite. I think more than any particular party or leader; I came to hate that phrase.
The inference that indulgence of social media has produced venom, valid as that may, need to know that to expect a total civilised response is a utopian fantasy. We are undergoing a huge political overhaul if I to believe some analyst. People are adjusting to getting accountable and to oversee things that they never had been noticed. Like a political rally we all love to hear what the person behind the mike like to say, but we also like standing in the rally, being among the diaspora and occasionally enjoying the freebies that are passed around.
It pains to see what the people in Uttarakhand are going through. It is even difficult for me to imagine the travesties falling on those hapless souls just sitting in front of a screen thousand of kms away. When news channels started broadcasting the aerial views of the area and thousands of people stranded below, it invoked in me a feeling of disgust. Disgust towards authorities for not acting swiftly, towards politicians for being and acting one, towards the people around me for not giving a shit but mostly not able to do anything constructive about it.
Behind the saddening rise in death toll, there are unspoken tales of heroics. The Indian army is in it’s relentless and charitable best in the rocky and unliveable conditions of Uttarakhand. After reading this NYTIndia article and gliding through this batch of pictures from Tehelka, I couldn’t resist but try finding ways in which I can help. I knew that sitting this far from the epicentre of tragedy I could do no ground work. Giving a financial hand was the sole means by which I could contribute. So I started searching for charities that are doing the genuine work on Uttarkhand flash floods situation.
Donating money is always easy if you know it’s for a noble cause. I was planning to buy something on apparel sites but then I just put it on hold. I thought this is life and death we are talking about, I will always get enough money and time to show off. I went searching and fortunately found this tweet by Harini Calamur. It was all I needed. I for some inane reason wish not to select PMs relief fund to channelize the help. Maybe the news is having major impact on my mindset (not my fault, is it?). I chose Goonj because it doesn’t matter, the roads converge at the same spot.
So go don’t look back because there is nothing to fear about. Do your bit. Make your life a little more worthwhile. Dont just sit at home and spew curses at the administration. We have lost many but a lot many can be saved. Maybe one day you will see a hand extended from the other side. Never know.
I wake up, go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. What do I see? Nothing, just a deadpan outline. My vacuous mind tries to gather the incident previous night. It fails and I come to realise the existing throbbing in my head. That puts things into perspective giving me the vague details of what transpired. I gladly neglect thinking about it.
I close my eyes, takes in a deep breath and exhale like the time when you find something you have lost before. I open my drowsy eyes to see the fog on my now obscure reflection. I wonder if this is what life coming to be, to see yourself getting abstract in the crowds of civilisation. To be totally unsure of what the future holds and to forever live in the shadow of uncertainty. With a towel I wipe the mirror clean, albeit the face remains as emotionless as it was before.
In about 15 minutes I am at the kitchen table pampered with utmost care by my parents. They want to go away I think, into their busy lives to meet people who are better in reciprocating affections. My ma is telling me routine instructions that I respond with impassive nodding of head and a sound OK.
I am alone now, I surf through the channels on TV. I try to avoid news as I sense it wouldn’t do much in feeling better about myself. In sulk more and put the TV on mute. Resting my head backwards I try to imagine the merry days when the mornings weren’t as dull and there was always some excitement to look forward to. Now I feel only silence resonating through the walls and aloofness, my companion for another 8 hrs.
I refuse to go out as it invites the questionable gazes and trivial conversations with people I share least interest. I hold my laptop on my lap and check my mails and any messages on social media. I see pictures of my long lost batch mates holidaying somewhere near valleys and oceans. I say cheers to them but the fondness declines as I scroll down the pics.
Peering through the window of my house I speculate upon the busy life as see outside. I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel. ‘Gotta be’ I tell myself feeling surprised at my disquieting thought process. The affirmation is what keeps me hoping that I will be there again with motives and conviction. It invigorates me in believing the cycle of life, of ups and downs, of being wanted by the people who shower affection upon me. I pledge to be good to them, to not be grumpy and indifferent to their emotions.
I turned around feeling little less heavy-heartedness. I grab the laptop and start writing as I make a mental note of 62nd day of my unemployment. Still 6hrs to go…
This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda